A Consultant's Chronicles

Reprise:You Are A Newly Divorced Co-Parent-Now What

Co-parenting when you are newly divorced makes what is an already difficult job, exponentially harder which is probably why this is such a popular post so I thought I'd run it again.

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 I was reading a business brief by Dennis Casey about how to build and solidify business relationships when it suddenly occurred to me that his ideas could be translated into a useful framework for [newly] divorced couples who now had to find their way as co-parents under wholly different circumstances. These days, I primarily do business mediation so the small percentage of domestic mediation I’m involved with concerns child custody.

It's 'About Communication Stupid' 

As any parent knows childrearing is a hard job even under optimal circumstances. The task of co-parenting as a divorced couple is therefore exponentially harder. Quite simply there are many other intervening variables that sometimes run counter to the” best interests of the child” such as remaining bitterness and animosity, feelings of betrayal, disputes over money and support, etc. Frankly, this particular list can be long and undistinguished. However, Casey lays out 4 simple principles for business that I have tweaked a bit to fit co-parent applications. I believe these hold promise for creating at least the beginnings of a solid working foundation.

1. Be proactive. Maintain open lines of communication with each other, which includes a willingness to listen even when you fervently disagree. Proactive communication can help prevent frustration between parents with the added bonus of modeling how to manage frustration for your children. Engaging in proactive dialogue is especially important if you have bad news. Just like in the business world, communicating this information as soon as possible reduces the impact to the other parent and provides time to create an appropriate resolution.  When doing so it is exceedingly helpful to either offer a constructive solution or demonstrate a willingness to assist in finding one. Remember, simply "passing the buck” when you are the bearer of bad news is likely to boomerang right back to you at some future date. For example if you are going to be delayed at work when it’s your night to pick up the children, don’t wait to inform the other parent until five minutes before you are supposed to be at school to get them. Not only can this be seen as act of disrespect and hostility [even where none was intended] but practically speaking, it will very likely create a stressful situation for your children [as well as your former spouse] leaving little or no “wiggle room” for the other parent. One possible solution: each parent should be responsible for developing his or her own “plan B” that is supported by the other parent before turning to the co-parent for back-up. Note: If feelings are still too raw to do these negotiations effectively over the phone, consider email. This way documented small pieces of information can be transmitted thoughtfully with the ideal goal of doing so dispassionately. “God created the Blackberry [or iPhone], use it!” This leads to the next principle.
2. Communicate clear rationales and action plans. Keeping parents informed         
   requires disciplined, detailed practices. Life, like business does not always conform
   to pre-planned structure, which makes it essential to continually communicate what has changed and why in addition to the actions being taken to resolve unexpected
   issues that may come up. Keep in mind that whether you are separate or together,
   part of effective parenting means “all oars are rowing in the same direction."
3. Remember that now, like it or not, you are each also building a new life. Therefore divorced spouses are busy with their own plans and commitments in addition to working with each other. If a scheduling change or issue with one of the children arises, they may not be aware of it unless you tell them. Don't assume they are already aware of what’s going on. 
4.  Keep your promises. Be conscious of keeping the promises you make, an act that
   will make it more likely that the other co-parent will keep theirs [or provide you with the moral authority to negotiate that they do so in the future]. Once again, this is critical modeling for your children. Clearly it’s far easier to say than do when passions still run high but carrying it out is in the mutual interest of both sides. One of the key guiding principles in any negotiation is to argue your interests and not your passions! Furthermore, doing something as simple as keeping your promises can go a long way towards re-establishing the kind of trust parents need to have in each other to effectively parent their children. For example, be clear and consistent about standard guidelines for your children’s behavior, supporting each other as a united front at the outset to avoid conflict later. This also addresses a common practice among children especially those with divorced parents, which is to “play off one parent against the other” in the service of their own goals [a particularly favorite strategy among adolescents]

There Is No 'Magic Pill'

The guidelines above are not “written in stone” and will not solve every problem. If I could provide that 'magic bullet,' I’d bottle it & sell it. Using these 4 principles is simply a start towards creating a unique [and hopefully successful] model that works for you.

 

*Oiginally posted: 5/22/2008

Ellen Gunty,MA is the founding owner of Means to an End, a company that provides HR consulting,training, & mediation. Please note: nothing in this post should be viewed as "legal advice"

The Debt Ceiling Talks: Lessons In Dispute Resolution

Specifics aside, how politicians in this country are conducting themselves in these debt ceiling negotiations is extremely instructive when it comes to lessons in dispute resolution; in fact both sides are doing all they can to highlight just about everything negotiating parties should NOT do. To be clear, this is not a post about the merits of what needs to be done. On that note, neither side resembles a profile in courage which is all I will say.

5 Big No No's When Doing Dispute Resolution

However, when it comes to the brass tacks of how they are going about these talks, especially given the seriousness of the problem, it is absolutely no surprise that we are where we are because they are all doing everything wrong...that is, IF they really want to resolve problem. Given the impending political season, it is arguable that ideally each side has its motivating forces for not coming to an agreement but the consequences of no agreement are far too grave. Be that as it may, what 5 big things can be learned?

1. Everything & I do mean every thing must be "on the table." Saying "we wont talk taxes" or "we wont talk entitlements" is simply a non-starter & a ticket to nowhere fast.
2. In any negotiation, trust is the coin of the realm so do not do your negotiating in the media. No big speeches about the size of a deal or what will be included is ever appropriate. 
3. Manage 'silence.' If you make an offer, sit back & wait for the other side to respond & make a counteroffer of their own. Do not make more offers until they have responded. As the saying goes, "nature abhors a vacuum' but don't you be the one to fill it.
4. Do not negotiate with yourself. If the other side refuses to engage, do your best to keep them at the table talking but make no further offers of your own until they do engage with something substantial.
5. Do not publicly humiliate your opposition & then expect them to come to the table & be constructive. Both sides have done a lot of public name calling & then wonder why they can't have a real conversation about the issues. I mean, seriously?!

These 5 elements are things no party should EVER do when trying to successfully resolve a dispute whether the problem is political, domestic, or corporate in kind. They are all 'deal breakers, not deal makers.'

Where Communication Between Divorced Co-parents Can Go Wrong

In the last couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about child custody issues especially focusing on how things can go so woefully wrong even when both parties are committed to being responsible co-parents.  Most of the time, disputes about child custody have absolutely nothing to do with the children. Far too much of the time, the parents are using child custody & parenting issues as a convenient platform to keep verbally slugging out their divorce long after the legal system is through with them. Other times it has to do with monetary pressures that come with a divorce & child support. Unfortunately it is the rare divorced couple who sees things for what they are & has the ability to amicably discuss the matters that are truly at issue. Most of the time this is NOT the case & the ones who suffer of course are the children.

It’s Not About 'What The Speaker Says'
 
Obviously there are times where there is a clear difference of opinion or a difference in values. However far too many times the problem lies in how the parties communicate with each other. In checking out GOP pollster & corporate consultant Frank Luntz's new book "Win" he talks about something that I think really speaks to the core of the problem. According to Luntz, in business & in politics, "it's not about what the speaker says, it's about what the listener hears." His point is that this is pretty much the case between any speaker & listener. In the case of divorced parents, what the speaker says & what the listener hears are frequently different. When you tack on the emotional & financial pressures of divorce & child-rearing, you have a recipe for ongoing miscommunication between two divorced co-parents. This of course leads to ongoing battles which are anything but “in the best interest of the children.”

 Five Changes You Can Try

If this sounds familiar, you don't have to remain in such a dysfunctional pattern. Here are 5 things you can try:

· Take a "time out" the moment the temperature increases to the point     
   where one or both of you are no longer "hearing" each other
· Do not assume [bad intent]. People are capable of changing; unlike
  the politicians, do not automatically assume "the past is prologue"
· Check in for clarification-too many times we assume we understand what
  the other person is saying when we are really getting it wrong

For example Parent B says to Parent A “here's the check for the utility bills.” When Parent A sees the amount they become fearful because all the bills will not be covered. Instead of pointing out that the amount doesn’t cover ALL the utility bills & asking if there was a misunderstanding, they may immediately jump to conclusions in an accusatory way; ex. "are you trying to cheat me; what about the cable bill?" Maybe Parent B doesn't view cable as a utility or for reasons known only to Parent B, a separate check may have been written for the cable bill. Now however, all that's heard is that they are being called a cheater [or lying or being irresponsible],  themes probably heard during their marriage. Suddenly the bills don't matter anymore & they busy fighting over what was essentially a misunderstanding that has now taken on a life of its own.

· Speak for yourself only-use “I statements” & reflect back what you believe
  the other person is saying so that you are truly speaking for yourself

In the example above, as an alternative try, “I am hearing you say this is for all the outstanding bills this month?” First, you are clearly taking responsibility for what you heard [which may or may not be different from what was said]. Plus you are doing it in a non-inflammatory way.  The act of "reflecting back" or "mirroring" gives the other parent the chance to say in an equally calm fashion, “No, here is another check for cable which I separated this month; it's coming from a different account.” There is instant clarification & no fight.  Sometimes in any relationship [but especially in a failed one], people persist in using [dysfunctional] habits of communication that are exclusive to that one person. Ask any adult that visits their parents in their home of origin. Unconsciously, parents tend to treat their adult children like teenagers & grown adults unconsciously slip into the role of teenagers. It's typically only when one party notices what's going on & points it out that patterns change.

Discard Unsuccessful Strategies

Clearly that sort of thing is tougher to correct between divorced co-parents, especially in the early years when there are so many other pressures to manage. The bottom line is that when one pattern of communication is not working, don’t keep using it expecting that things will change. You are more likely to be successful when you try to change how you communicate. Also you don’t have to navigate this minefield alone. Family mediators &/or parenting classes can teach & model better ways to communicate for you.

**Note: While every attempt to provide accurate & up to date information has been made, nothing in this post is meant to replace, be construed, or should be taken as "legal advice or therapy" If you have any questions or concerns, it is always best to seek the advice of 'face-to face professionals' before taking any action.

 Ellen Gunty, M.A. is the founding owner of Means to an End, a company providing HR consulting and mediation [including domestic mediation] to businesses large and small as well  to individuals.  For more information, please go to www.meanstoanendca.com

 

 

In Any Negotiation 'Silence Is Golden'

I have discussed the power & merits of managing silence in a negotiation many times in this blog. There was a stark example of the importance of this skill on the preview episode of the second season of the show "Shark Tank" which aired last Sunday on ABC. To review the premise of the show, you have 4 multimillionaires & billionaires [a.k.a. "sharks"] willing to invest their own money in small businesses in need of capital infusion who are therefore willing to exchange some equity for money & expertise. They pitch their ideas, as well as the amount of equity & power they are willing to exchange for the money. Some entrepreneurs really have it together with great concepts & strong business acumen while others typically have one but not both. The one over-riding issue among far too many of these entrepreneurs however, is the "inability to get out of their own way;" a factor that I have also noted in a previous blog post.

A Time To Sell, A Time To Listen

This week, one entrepreneur demonstrated why it is so important to master the skill of managing silence. This entrepreneur, Jonathan Boos, had a unique, useful & very inventive idea that he had already launched into a successful small business. Now he was ready to grow the business, add more products, which were in the pipeline & needed both capital & mentoring from the sharks, but he especially wanted to work with one shark in particular. He really wanted to work with billionaire & fashion mogul Daymond John because he had made his fortune in the apparel industry. What was the product Boos was pitching? They were invisible stays for a man's dress shirt making the collar "sit" very much like it was a button-down shirt, which is very much in keeping with men's tie-less dress fashion these days. Boos also had other products in the pipeline showing himself to be a one man designer & producer with deals with major distribution outlets already. With all of these assets, what was the problem? After he made his pitch, he simply would not be quiet & listen after making his pitch. He kept "talking over" the sharks, especially the one he wanted to work with which made him look like a poor partner.

Make The Other Side "Flll The Vacuum"

I felt like screaming at the TV  "quiet, you're blowing the whole deal!" To be fair, when on national TV, nerves clearly run high but you could easily see that this was the man's personal communication style. In any negotiation all parties typically abhor a vacuum because it heightens the anxiety. However, the party who can manage the anxiety & stay silent benefits because the other party usually feels compelled to fill the vacuum.  By  remaining silent you will not only be showing respect to the opposition because after all, they do deserve an opportunity to speak, but if you force them to fill the "silence void," when they've finished, more often than not you will at the very least gather more information to make a better deal. Another common occurrence is that the party who is least skilled at managing silence, talks so much that they start negotiating with themselves, which can also net you a better deal. By "talking over" the shark Boos most wanted to work with [Daymond John], he was direspectful & turned him off which also prevented him from making a better deal. Luckily for Boos, another shark Barbara Corcoran offered to be his "front man" with John to make the deal happen...for a piece of the action of course, making his good deal just that much more expensive. In short, remember in any negotiation, "silence is golden!"

 

What About Wisconisn: Part II

Throughout the debate in Wisconsin, I have been listening for a more thorough discussion on a larger but very related issue relevant to all workers public & private but all I have heard is silence. Quite aside from the Wisconsin's Governor's goal to break collective bargaining, this whole dispute has crystallized something far bigger for me. Companies public & private have been playing fast & loose with their pension funds for years, which is the unspoken piece of fact in this debate. It seems to me that at least in part, public employees are being asked to provide a solution to the state government's own greed & mismanagement. Why? Now that the bill is about to become due for scores of retiring employees, these governors are in a panic. Retirement funds have been in greater danger than social security for the last 10-15 years. The current debate is like a "fig leaf" designed to mask the larger reality. As retirement of the baby boomers begins to roll out, new retirees are going to have a rude awakening at precisely the same time when our national debt requires that we make cutbacks in social security.

The By-product Of Ending Collective Bargaining

Howward Feinman of MSNBC & other pundits have also suggested that the GOP as a whole sees this as a means of diffusing a powerful political machine that always operates against them in every election. More significantly, the net result would be to stick a dagger in the Democrats financial machine. They speculate that if Walker & other governors are successful, it could translate to something like a 200 million dollar loss to the Democrats' electoral machine.  If Walker & the other governors succeed, get ready for a very different looking electorate as well as a different definition of the "American Dream." That's my opinion. What's yours?

What About 'Wisconsin'

Unless your head is buried in the sand or you've been on another planet, you can't help but take notice of the battle raging in Wisconsin these days over their state debt & governor Scott Walker's desire to break collective bargaining in his state. However, as someone who works with employers & employees, I have been peppered with a lot of questions so here's my take. It's near impossible to clearly favor one side or the other on the issues. Why, because BOTH sides are being disingenuous when it comes to telling the whole truth. Having said that, I think there are 3 things that most people [who are being intellectually honest] can agree with: 1- these are tough times & sacrifices along with some very tough choices are going to have to be made in order to get our fiscal house in order at both the state as well as the federal level; 2- again, assuming that people are being intellectually honest, collective bargaining by itself did not create this problem so "breaking it" won't guarantee a solution. Most people don't realize what happens in collective bargaining. It is through this kind of bargaining, that you get safe workplaces, a framework for how to resolve grievances, & a ton of other workplace related measures having nothing to do with pay or benefits; & lastly, 3-while the unions did not steal their benefits, which is to say that they negotiated for them fairly, there have been circumstances where they have taken advantage of the taxpayer's generosity. 

Governor Walker's Problems

On the merits of fiscal solvency, it is really hard to defend a governor who will not take "yes" for an answer because the unions have already said they understand that when it comes to money, the cuts have to be made. At this point, they are fighting for a "seat at the table" over all other workplace issues. That seems like a fair request & one thing we voters like to see is "fairness." Another problem for the governor is that his rationale has changed. He started out saying that this is strictly a budget issue but since the unions have yielded, he can no longer make that claim & is now fighting an ideological battle. Fairly or unfairly, this last point was driven home when he was publicly caught in a fake conversation with one of his ideological & financial backers [at the time, the governor thought the conversation was legitimate]. Politicians of all stripes miss the mark when they fight an ideological war instead of "solving the people's problems." It should be noted that while the current battle is being fought in Wisconsin, other governors in the "rust belt" [nearby states] are considering similar measures adding to the seriousness of the debate.

In My Opinion 

When a state like Wisconsin [& this is also true for my own home state of CA] finds itself in dire financial straits, cuts have to made & that is just fact. However, the cuts should start top down in areas & with people who will feel the pain the least although it will have to be experienced by all in order for it to be fair. If the government is going to cut the pay & benefits of public employees, he & his administration should experience those same proportionate cuts. There are also other nice little perks that come with administering government that he should trim whether they make a financial difference or not. Why, because such sacrifices even when they are only symbolic count when you are asking people who make far more modest money to make significant cuts. I was listening to a pundit this morning comment about the Wisconsin democratic state senators who have fled Wisconsin so that a vote cannot be cast on the governor's bill. He said that such behavior goes against the covenant that these officials have with the people. Well, the government made a covenant with the public union members too. They said to public workers if you do these necessary jobs to run the state for modest wages, i.e.; teach our children, keep us safe, put out our fires, etc, we in turn will be sure that your health insurance & retirement is secure. Right now, it almost seems as if no side has kept their word.  

Negotiation & Body Language

While working on a negotiation training, part of what emerged are certain all too common types of body language which frequently occur during a discussion that you want to a. be aware of & b. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. Here are just a few:

• Finger pointing-considered hostile & rude
• Crossed-arms-sends the message that you are "closed off" from listening
• Foot-tapping-reflects impatience
• Pen-clicking- also can reflect impatience
• Facial expressions-try to keep your face neutral at all times
• How you sit-for example sitting forward implies that you are listening carefully while sitting back can mean either you are giving the other party "space" or that you don't care depending on the context

The bottom line: what you do can be just as powerful as what you say. More to the point, what you do can torpedo your best verbal efforts so it's important to pay attention to "what your body is telling others."

 

Some Key Problems For New Step-Parents

Parenting sometimes seems like an impossible job not to mention when you consider that it's one that is "24/7 for life" without pay & there's no "instruction manual." There are however the "fringe benefits"-the lifetime love you get from your little [soon to be not so little] chicks as well as the pride & satisfaction you can get from watching them successfully launch into adulthood on their own [based on the foundation that you provided]. The road from childhood to adulthood for your children is never a straight & perfect line but today it is even far more complex given the high rate of divorce. Children of divorce have an entirely separate set of issues to deal with from their peers & potentially one of them is the role of step-parents in their lives. That path is equally as complex from the perspective of the parents. Parenting "in-step" as it is sometimes known can seem fraught with landmines beyond the typical ones faced by parents who are not divorced. It would be impossible to compile a full list of the problems parents of blended families are bound to face so I've just hit the "big five."

1. Children from both parents will always idealize & sometimes try to bring back their original nuclear family no matter how problematic &/or dysfunctional it may have been in reality. This can make one parent look or feel like the person responsible no matter who instigated the end of their earlier marriage. Additionally, while legally divorced, former spouses may still maintain strong emotional & financial ties separate & apart from the children they share 
2. The step parent will always have to confront the "you are not MY mommy [or daddy] when it comes to expressing love &/or discipline; especially discipline 
3. Co-parenting with your former spouse will likely become more stressful because there may be a new spouse or partner on either one or both sides in the mix whose actions & feelings have to be taken into account
4. What were previous family norms are bound to be altered with the change in family members including those that involve finances since families expand & therefore cost more
5. Children are bound to experience feelings of confusion & disloyalty appropriately or not & may see no other outlet for their emotions except through acting out; typically occurring well before there functional working terms for co-parenting in place as a divorced couple This last point cannot be overstated since many divorces end acrimoniously

This list is just the "tippy-top of the iceberg" so when you become a step-parent, stay loose, flexible, listen, & don't loose your sense of humor. However, perhaps most important of all, do not feel as though you are alone. Reach out for professional help in the form of therapists & mediators because none of these issues are insurmountable. Additionally, seek out parenting support groups because chances are excellent that someone there has been through what you are presently experiencing.

Line of the Week 7-25-2010: 'Don't Bring Library Books To A Knife Fight'

This week's line of the week belongs to congressman Anthony Weiner (NY-D). While explaining his passionate position over voting for additional healthcare funds for the first responders of 9-11, Weiner noted that unlike the GOP, sometimes his Democratic brethren have a tendency to:

"...bring library books to a knife fight..."

Needless to say that behaving this way reflects a losing position every time.  Weiner's observation & cautionary warning is spot on when handling conflict anywhere not just in Congress. I see it many times in a mediation where one party comes prepared & loaded for bear while the other party looks & acts like a deer lost in the headlights. Prior to any mediation I tell both parties two things: 1. cases are won & lost before they step into the room because it's all about preparation & 2. argue your interests, NOT your passions.

A Negotiator's Secret Weapon: Managing 'Silence'

Recently I re-visited a blog post offering advice to aspiring women about the art of negotiation. The post offered a handful of tips which are actually useful for any negotiator but one of the tips reflects a favorite subject when it comes to negotiation: silence & how to manage it. The idea seems so easy; when you've asked a question or put a position on the table, don't embellish, don't add anything else, just be silent & look physically expectant which is to say your body language should be saying "your turn to talk." It may sound easy but nature abhors a vacuum & so we always naturally want to fill it. My suggestion? In this case, resist the temptation & watch! Let the other party respond in some way first either with a reply or a question. That's more information for you to use to advance your position. When you are the one managing the silence, you have the upper hand. Make no mistake; silence creates its own pressure.

Raising The Ante

A way for you to raise the ante without saying a word is to continue using body language.  Timing here is important. You want to give the other party a fair opportunity to respond but there's a difference between a reasonable opportunity & perhaps an attempt to on their end to play with silence. The solution: once you have stated your position, lean back. This gesture not only conveys that it's their turn but it gives them psychological space to think reflecting a sense of fairness on your part. If they are taking an overly long time to respond in some way, simply lean toward the other person & "close the space." The gesture is the appropriate & polite equivalent of saying "time's up"  or tapping on or looking at your watch as if to say "I'm waiting" [do not do either of these gestures with your watch because both are rude & may be viewed as an act of hostility unless of course that's what you want to convey].  It should be noted that once the other side begins to speak, the act of sitting forward reflects an entirely different message. Typically it says that you are focused & listening intently to what the other party has to say.  As long as you stay silent, you will force the other side not only to respond but frequently to volunteer information they had no intention of offering. Try it next time & see for yourself.