A Consultant's Chronicles

A Recipe For Sinking A New Business: 'It's Philosophy Stupid'

The political "silly season" of electoral politics is upon us again & something that's always displayed front & center especially in the primaries is "philosophy."  For example there are clear philosophical differences between the Democrats & the GOP when it comes to the role of government. Although it doesn't get nearly enough play, one's business philosophy is just as important. For this reason I find myself once again in disagreement with business blogger Penelope Trunk…well, sort of. She recently wrote a blog post asserting that the best way to launch a successful startup is for it to remain single-gender during this initial phase because not doing so is almost a guarantee of failure. I disagree. While I think gender issues &/or sexual conflict can certainly occur in mixed gender enterprises, I think the bigger problem is one of business philosophy. Why? The former can be overcome [nothing breeds forgiveness like the smell of success; i.e. money] but the latter can prove to be a tougher foe.

A Case Of Misplaced Political 'Incorrectness'

While I understand [& agree with] the larger point that she is making which is at this early phase of a business, what is needed is "relentless drive & laser beam like focus without distraction," I think the target of the problem she describes is "off the mark" & a weird case of misplaced "political incorrectness" run amok. By this I mean that there are a whole host of ways to dilute focus & sabotage a new business without pointing the finger solely at gender differences [which she maintains creates sexual friction &/or behavioral differences because men & women behave differently at work when stressed]. Now while I am the first to admit that this stuff happens, I think that when it comes to business, ambitious, driven, like-minded people can deal with it. Also, in the age of single-sex relationships & marriage, isn't it just logical to conclude that related problems could arise in a single gender business [at least insofar as sexual conflict is concerned]? It is the new millennium 'thing'; just sayin'. Now before someone's PC feathers get ruffled, I am not saying it would happen, just that it could. What I am saying is that I don't think that as Trunk maintains, mixed gender conflict is the new entrepreneur's biggest concern [quite aside from core things like having enough money which is probably the #1 concern of every new business].

When It Comes To Launching A New Business There Are Bigger Problems Than Gender

Based on my observations as a consultant, a lack of adequate drive on the part of just a few, or differences in business philosophy not properly vetted & aired at the outset, are much bigger problems. Basically these issues nearly guarantee failure if they are not resolved before "birthing" a new business. Instead of “fingering” gender differences, & conceding that anything diluting the essential focus on actual business is a problem, I think the better argument to make is that in the early phase of a business, all parties [regardless of gender] not only have to have relentless focus but they must be of one mind [the latter can be viewed as an umbrella term for a LOT of “real estate”]. Gender differences don’t necessarily have to be the “fly in the ointment” & can be overcome while intractable business philosophy & insufficient drive or ambition is much "higher mountain to climb." What do you think?

 

Reprise:You Are A Newly Divorced Co-Parent-Now What

Co-parenting when you are newly divorced makes what is an already difficult job, exponentially harder which is probably why this is such a popular post so I thought I'd run it again.

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 I was reading a business brief by Dennis Casey about how to build and solidify business relationships when it suddenly occurred to me that his ideas could be translated into a useful framework for [newly] divorced couples who now had to find their way as co-parents under wholly different circumstances. These days, I primarily do business mediation so the small percentage of domestic mediation I’m involved with concerns child custody.

It's 'About Communication Stupid' 

As any parent knows childrearing is a hard job even under optimal circumstances. The task of co-parenting as a divorced couple is therefore exponentially harder. Quite simply there are many other intervening variables that sometimes run counter to the” best interests of the child” such as remaining bitterness and animosity, feelings of betrayal, disputes over money and support, etc. Frankly, this particular list can be long and undistinguished. However, Casey lays out 4 simple principles for business that I have tweaked a bit to fit co-parent applications. I believe these hold promise for creating at least the beginnings of a solid working foundation.

1. Be proactive. Maintain open lines of communication with each other, which includes a willingness to listen even when you fervently disagree. Proactive communication can help prevent frustration between parents with the added bonus of modeling how to manage frustration for your children. Engaging in proactive dialogue is especially important if you have bad news. Just like in the business world, communicating this information as soon as possible reduces the impact to the other parent and provides time to create an appropriate resolution.  When doing so it is exceedingly helpful to either offer a constructive solution or demonstrate a willingness to assist in finding one. Remember, simply "passing the buck” when you are the bearer of bad news is likely to boomerang right back to you at some future date. For example if you are going to be delayed at work when it’s your night to pick up the children, don’t wait to inform the other parent until five minutes before you are supposed to be at school to get them. Not only can this be seen as act of disrespect and hostility [even where none was intended] but practically speaking, it will very likely create a stressful situation for your children [as well as your former spouse] leaving little or no “wiggle room” for the other parent. One possible solution: each parent should be responsible for developing his or her own “plan B” that is supported by the other parent before turning to the co-parent for back-up. Note: If feelings are still too raw to do these negotiations effectively over the phone, consider email. This way documented small pieces of information can be transmitted thoughtfully with the ideal goal of doing so dispassionately. “God created the Blackberry [or iPhone], use it!” This leads to the next principle.
2. Communicate clear rationales and action plans. Keeping parents informed         
   requires disciplined, detailed practices. Life, like business does not always conform
   to pre-planned structure, which makes it essential to continually communicate what has changed and why in addition to the actions being taken to resolve unexpected
   issues that may come up. Keep in mind that whether you are separate or together,
   part of effective parenting means “all oars are rowing in the same direction."
3. Remember that now, like it or not, you are each also building a new life. Therefore divorced spouses are busy with their own plans and commitments in addition to working with each other. If a scheduling change or issue with one of the children arises, they may not be aware of it unless you tell them. Don't assume they are already aware of what’s going on. 
4.  Keep your promises. Be conscious of keeping the promises you make, an act that
   will make it more likely that the other co-parent will keep theirs [or provide you with the moral authority to negotiate that they do so in the future]. Once again, this is critical modeling for your children. Clearly it’s far easier to say than do when passions still run high but carrying it out is in the mutual interest of both sides. One of the key guiding principles in any negotiation is to argue your interests and not your passions! Furthermore, doing something as simple as keeping your promises can go a long way towards re-establishing the kind of trust parents need to have in each other to effectively parent their children. For example, be clear and consistent about standard guidelines for your children’s behavior, supporting each other as a united front at the outset to avoid conflict later. This also addresses a common practice among children especially those with divorced parents, which is to “play off one parent against the other” in the service of their own goals [a particularly favorite strategy among adolescents]

There Is No 'Magic Pill'

The guidelines above are not “written in stone” and will not solve every problem. If I could provide that 'magic bullet,' I’d bottle it & sell it. Using these 4 principles is simply a start towards creating a unique [and hopefully successful] model that works for you.

 

*Oiginally posted: 5/22/2008

Ellen Gunty,MA is the founding owner of Means to an End, a company that provides HR consulting,training, & mediation. Please note: nothing in this post should be viewed as "legal advice"

Line of the Week 7-10-2011

This week there were several viable candidates for the line of the week but my personal choice belongs to Ohio Governor John Kasich [formerly Congressman R-OH]. Asked about his opinion of his GOP brethren he was as disgusted as everyone else when it comes to their inability to reach a compromise & make a good deal for the country instead of looking out for their own political interests. He said:

"...Be a leader-you can die a thousand political deaths; in war only once..." 

Once in a lifetime deals have been put on the table & each time, someone has walked away. In the meantime some even insist there really IS no debt crisis. I wonder if they are the same folks who insist that there is no global warming while the rest of us watch the ice caps melt? Apparently, while "Rome burns" our senators & congressmen/women prefer to busy themselves rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic! Think I'm kidding? What is one of their most pressing pieces of legislation right now? Save the old fashioned, power guzzling light bulb! You just cannot make this stuff up! 

 

Some Key Problems For New Step-Parents

Parenting sometimes seems like an impossible job not to mention when you consider that it's one that is "24/7 for life" without pay & there's no "instruction manual." There are however the "fringe benefits"-the lifetime love you get from your little [soon to be not so little] chicks as well as the pride & satisfaction you can get from watching them successfully launch into adulthood on their own [based on the foundation that you provided]. The road from childhood to adulthood for your children is never a straight & perfect line but today it is even far more complex given the high rate of divorce. Children of divorce have an entirely separate set of issues to deal with from their peers & potentially one of them is the role of step-parents in their lives. That path is equally as complex from the perspective of the parents. Parenting "in-step" as it is sometimes known can seem fraught with landmines beyond the typical ones faced by parents who are not divorced. It would be impossible to compile a full list of the problems parents of blended families are bound to face so I've just hit the "big five."

1. Children from both parents will always idealize & sometimes try to bring back their original nuclear family no matter how problematic &/or dysfunctional it may have been in reality. This can make one parent look or feel like the person responsible no matter who instigated the end of their earlier marriage. Additionally, while legally divorced, former spouses may still maintain strong emotional & financial ties separate & apart from the children they share 
2. The step parent will always have to confront the "you are not MY mommy [or daddy] when it comes to expressing love &/or discipline; especially discipline 
3. Co-parenting with your former spouse will likely become more stressful because there may be a new spouse or partner on either one or both sides in the mix whose actions & feelings have to be taken into account
4. What were previous family norms are bound to be altered with the change in family members including those that involve finances since families expand & therefore cost more
5. Children are bound to experience feelings of confusion & disloyalty appropriately or not & may see no other outlet for their emotions except through acting out; typically occurring well before there functional working terms for co-parenting in place as a divorced couple This last point cannot be overstated since many divorces end acrimoniously

This list is just the "tippy-top of the iceberg" so when you become a step-parent, stay loose, flexible, listen, & don't loose your sense of humor. However, perhaps most important of all, do not feel as though you are alone. Reach out for professional help in the form of therapists & mediators because none of these issues are insurmountable. Additionally, seek out parenting support groups because chances are excellent that someone there has been through what you are presently experiencing.

Employee Disputes & Arbitration: Not A 'Knee Jerk' Process

These days, getting hired for a new position typically means signing your legal rights away...or does it? By this I mean, the usual standard operating procedure of HR is to give you a copy of the company handbook along with a request that you return the last page signed indicating that you've read it & agree to the terms. Today most companies request that all legal disputes with the employer be resolved through arbitration [typically companies resort to arbitration if mediation has failed]. The question is "have you really signed away your rights to take your dispute to court?" Recently the courts have said "not so fast." The list below can be used by employers & employees alike to determine where the the lines have been drawn by the courts. For employers this will mean structuring your employee handbook accordingly & for employees it will be a clearer definition of your rights.

According to attorneys from the national law firm Baker Donelson, arbitration agreements must:

» indicate a “meeting of the minds” between employer and employee
» provide “consideration” for the employee for signing the agreement –
   in other words, the pact can’t tilt too far in favor of the company,
   and
» not be “unconscionable” - so restrictive as to be unreasonable

This finding is provides critical information for employers as well as employees as well as some clear visuals in sometimes murky waters.

Line of the Week 7-25-2010: 'Don't Bring Library Books To A Knife Fight'

This week's line of the week belongs to congressman Anthony Weiner (NY-D). While explaining his passionate position over voting for additional healthcare funds for the first responders of 9-11, Weiner noted that unlike the GOP, sometimes his Democratic brethren have a tendency to:

"...bring library books to a knife fight..."

Needless to say that behaving this way reflects a losing position every time.  Weiner's observation & cautionary warning is spot on when handling conflict anywhere not just in Congress. I see it many times in a mediation where one party comes prepared & loaded for bear while the other party looks & acts like a deer lost in the headlights. Prior to any mediation I tell both parties two things: 1. cases are won & lost before they step into the room because it's all about preparation & 2. argue your interests, NOT your passions.

Child Custody In 2009: Parenthood vs. National Security

In this week's New York Times there was an incredibly controversial & difficult editorial concerning child custody rights & the military. As someone who does domestic mediation, what surprises me the most is my initial gut reaction to the problem.  Summarizing the issue, a military specialist returned from Iraq ready to resume custody of her child but in spite of a prior written custody agreement between the two parents, the child's father [not her husband] fought the mother in court to retain custody by asserting that living with "some stranger" would be too upsetting for the child. A judge ordered that the father be given primary custody while the mother was awarded generous visitation & sleepovers. There is a lot to consider in this case:

• First & foremost, what is in the best interest of the child*
• Setting aside tradition, who in this case would be the better custodial parent
• Is the mother finished with all of her military commitments or does she have to return to her unit [this was not clearly addressed]
• Can we expect to continue to recruit people in the armed forces if as a consequence, they stand to lose custody of their children
• Too frequently in custody battles, children are used as pawns because either  a. the relationship with the parents remains emotionally unresolved even if it has ended, b.it is unclear whether one parent's desire to be primary custodial parent is motivated by the best interest of the child or to reduce the amount of child support that s/he will have to pay [I am aware that this sounds cynical but it is quite common particularly in the case of fathers] 

 In The Best Interest Of The Child 

When I mediate custody disputes, my guiding question is always "what is in the best interest of the child?" I explain this to the parents on "day one" when I am retained & describe this as my personal bias. The parents, I explain, are adults who have made choices about their relationship with each other so I see it as my job to look out for the child's well being. In this case I have to say that while it is difficult to determine without knowing much more about both parents, it does indeed seem that at least for now, the father seems most capable of providing a stable environment for their child. Young children essentially need a loving, stabile environment that has structure & consistency. It is unclear from this short editorial if the mother is now able to provide that kind of environment. Be that as it may, military/social engineering simply cannot rest on the back of any one child. However, I do not want to see service men or women penalized for protecting their country & losing custody of one's child is probably one of the toughest penalties of all. Clearly this is an issue that has to be addressed on a case- by-case basis because while children need consistency, they are also incredibly resilient. It's a very tough call. What do you think?

*Note: in child custody disputes courts are also supposed to be guided by what's in the best interest of the child. 

Line of the Week 4-19-09

Discussing the newest revelations about torture, Pulitzer Prize winning author & Newsweek editor Jon Meacham tried to strike a balance by advocating for a reconciliation/ fact-finding committee in order to understand what actually happened. He was not however, in favor of getting bogged down in prosecutions. Referencing the words of historian Arthur Schlesinger he said: 

"...history to a country is like memory to a person; without it we don't know who we are or where we  are going..."

Then again, one could reasonably say that there were times in the last 8 years where those in power acted like an administration without a compass in terms of the future while suffering from intermittent amnesia when it came to the past.

Line of the week 2-8-09

This week's line of the week goes to Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pa) in an editorial he wrote explaining why he voted for the controversial economic stimulus plan. Essentially he felt that his reasoning was best expressed by a quote from President Kennedy, which said:

"...In politics,... nobody gets everything, nobody gets nothing and everybody gets something..."

This is the essence of compromise at its core; true in politics, business & life. The big problem is too many people want 'everything' & simply can't be happy with 'something.'

Layoffs, 'Popcorn,' & Cognitive Re-framing

Reading this title you may be thinking, "what in the world is she talking about?" Recently, a thought came to me connected to the news report featuring a staggering number of corporations making significant job cuts. We are talking about major players here: Microsoft, Intel, Motorola, Caterpiller, Macy's, & on & on. If it was mind boggling to watch so I can only imagine how both the victims & the survivors are feeling.

The Need To Grieve

For those people who have lost their jobs [or who will lose their jobs] due to layoffs, while this is an experience where grieving is appropriate, it's also a luxury few can aff ord.Although it's an important, even necessary process, it has to be done in your spare time & can't be your central focus.

"Fixed On Popcorn"

While the reason may seem obvious to some, I was provided with a colorful example this past weekend when watching my dog.   Allow me to explain. My local bank has a large popcorn machine & so they regularly crank out popcorn for customers to snack on while they wait. As soon as his big & now bulging eyes fixed on the popcorn nothing else mattered [it's one of his favorite "unauthorized" treats to scarf. It was discovered  “back in the day” when I used to go to the video store. He was so focused on the little popped kernels on the ground that other more appropriate treats went un-noticed [don’t worry, he ate them; he just didn't care]. His eyes were glued on something just beyond his reach & something he was never going to get [not from me anyway]. Its the same way some people view those lost jobs, most of which will not be coming back. The key point is that staying “fixed on the popcorn” [or your job] then becomes an exercise in futility. 

Time For Some Cognitive Reframing

Basically you have two choices: focus your energy on what you've lost or look at the layoff as an opportunity: to change environments, get a fresh start, change careers, get new training, start a business, etc The latter is a much more positive, self-affirming way to look at circumstances that were beyond your control by turning them into something you can "drive." It can't help but influence how you feel about yourself therefore enabling you to make a better presentation in future job interviews for your next job. This is also a powerful tool for avoiding debilitating depression due to lost employment.  It's also what psychologists call cognitive re-framing. Specifically it is defined as putting "a new & different 'frame' " around a concept or thought. I'm a big fan of its use...perhaps because I learned it so early.

Change As the Equivalent of 'Generous'

As a baby my grandmother had to look after me for quite a while because my mother was seriously ill. When finally ready to re-claim her responsibilities & me, my mother commented to my grandmother who was feeding me that I was a slob [because there was food everywhere including on my grandmother so the story goes]. My grandmother disagreed. She said, "she's not a slob, she a "generous person; she shares her food with everyone & every thing!"  Take a tip from my grandmother: stop thinking about yourself as the 'slob' who lost their job & start focusing on the opened door to new opportunities. A friend who is a successful entrepreneur in a relatively new business said that whenever he is asked about how he [& his company] stays successful, his answer is a telling, useful, & straightforward one: they are not afraid of change. In this context, consider 'change' to be the equivalent of 'generous.'