A Consultant's Chronicles

Divorce: Telling The Kids

For completely understandable reasons, every parent hates the "mom & dad are getting a divorce" discussion. It may even garner a worse ranking than talking about the "birds & the bees." Why? Talking about sex just embarrasses some parents; divorce is about breaking up the family, which speaks to any child's fundamental sense of home & security. I don't think there is a cookie-cutter solution for how to tell your children because 1.no two kids are alike  & 2. no one else knows your children better than you. There are however, some important guidelines that you should bear in mind:

1. Be honest-I simply mean do not sugar coat the bald fact; by this I mean do not say something like "mommy or daddy is going away for a while"; worse do not say things like your father or mother left because they dont love "us" anymore. Be straight with them & with yourself. Let's face it, kids "know things;" maybe they have heard you fighting [no matter how hard you've tried to hide it or maybe one parent seems "meaner" or just isn't around very much anymore. The bottom line is chances are excellent that they will be suspicious [even fearful] about it long before you actually tell them. Often times they will blame themselves, something you must dismiss immediately as false.
2. Less is more-there's a big difference between being honest & telling them every little detail. The fact is the less you can get away with beyond the bald facts, the better. They don't need to know the gory details & while you will need to be age appropriate [your 15 tear old will be able to understand things that your 8 year old may not], & in the case of siblings, never tell your your older children anything that you don't want your younger ones to hear because sooner of later it will filter down by accident or design. Also remember, they don't want to hear one parent badmouth the other. This line bears repeating: do NOT badmouth your soon to be ex-spouse. Doing so only increases their anxiety & triggers uncomfortable issues of divided loyalty. Bear in mind that just the bare facts is going to upset their universe so don't speak to them like they are your friends, confidants, or therapists.
3. Reinforce the fact that they are still loved-OK, this one may seem obvious to adults but kids need to hear it...a lot as the process unfolds. They need to hear that both parents still love them, which is yet another reason not put them in the position of "choosing sides."
4. Reaffirm their root sense of security-Explain how this will change their lives in a very specific, age-appropriate & concrete way. What do I mean by this? While again, you needn't give them all the gory details [because at this stage you may not have the answer], they will need to know information like, will you be moving; where will they sleep; where will the "other" parent sleep; what about their things; what school will they go to; who will pick them up; when will they see each parent; who will be their primary caretaker; will they still see their grandparents....& on & on. Basically you will have to address all the elements of their world big & small.
5. Remember this is a "process"- What do I mean by this? The information above is going to encompass MANY conversations, not just one big one for a lot of reasons. For one thing, in order to be age appropriate, you will have to provide information in small bites so that they can be processed & absorbed. Also you may be repeating the same things several times before the reality "sinks in" Remember this was not an overnight decision for you but you are now essentially presenting your kids with a "fait accompli" [read: a "done deal"]; as they say " 'de-nile'  [read: denial] is not just a river in Egypt." In addition, even though there is a ton of information above that will be the subject of many conversations, your kids will have at least an equal number of questions & issues which will be critical to them [even though for example, whether you will be moving 2 blocks away or staying next door to their best friend may seem completely insignificant to you]

Basically, this is a time when your kids will need every ounce of your love, patience & compassion. What makes that so difficult is that as a result of the toll the divorce process takes on adults, simultaneously you may feel that you are at your lowest capacity for all of those things. One way to get through it is through the ton of divorced parents groups in communities everywhere. Even if the people don't seem like "your type," one of the many critical things you will all have in common is this process.

 

Ellen Gunty,M.A. is an experienced family mediator & child custody evaluator in the San Francisco Bay area. Note:  The above is simply meant as guidance so while every attempt has been made to provide the correct facts, nothing here should be seen as "legal or mental health advice." Before acting it is always wise to consult your own professional.

 

Earthquakes: Managing 'Shake Rattle & Roll'

Now that the east coast has had a taste of west coast "shake, rattle & roll" by experiencing their first earthquake in more than a century, the experience can really jar one's sensibilities so what can you do to rebound? Here's a brief primerofthings to do before & after a quake or any natural disaster [yes, like Irene]:

1. When you feel a quake coming on & in this case the same is true for aftershocks which can last for days, the best strategy is "duck & cover" which is to duck under a table for protection. If that's not possible, stand under a door jam [the added benefit is that you will have something to hold onto. Do not run outside where you might risk being hit by falling building debris or particles from other structures
2. Afterwards walk around your home or building to check for structural damage including damage to pipes. If you are a homeowner, check your housing foundation for cracks. Here on the west coast foundations are retro-fitted which is a fancy way of saying that they are bolted to the house
3. If you haven't done so by now, develop a family contact action plan. This does not mean contacting every family member individually. Instead develop a family contact tree. Remember phone lines will either get jammed up quickly or may be impaired. Instead try to develop a contact tree. Also develop a meet-up plan which will also lessen the need to use the phone when the system will be stressed
4. Prepare an emergency preparedness kit & strategy. In a backpack put enough water & canned food for three days; a flashlight; batteries; a blanket, a radio; & if you take prescription medication regularly, enough for 3 days. Some extra cash is also helpful since if electricity gets knocked out, you may not have access to an ATM; & by all means fill your car's gas tank
   
5. Last but not least, develop a "15 minute 'bug-out' strategy." Sometimes after a quake homes are compromised & deemed uninhabitable. In those cases where possible, authorities generally give you 10-15 minutes to collect essential belongings & leave. Aside from the emergency preparedness kit cited above, people generally  collect their family, scoop up their pets, take family photos, small, pocket sized backup hard drives, important papers [with an emphasis on things like mortgages, insurance papers, & ID], required medication & enough very basic clothing for 3 days. In order to do this efficiently walk through your home & do an "eye sweep" of where you keep all these critical items. Even a little family bugout drill can be helpful

After a quake, remember feeling strange under these circumstances is normal. Things like talking about it [until you no longer feel the need], maintaining your routines & exercising are all helpful. Denying the essential abnormality of the circumstances will make the uncomforatble feelings last longer. These are just a few pre & post earthquake tips that can be used. No one wants to become an "old hand" at these things but "forearmed is forewarned!"

Note: Many of these things can also be done at the workplace as well for greater earthquake preparedness

  

When Leadership Is M.I.A.

In the face of very tough economic times, real leadership is more important ever. Big business may be sitting on mountains of cash but small businesses are floundering in a "sea of red ink," in many cases, clawing & scratching to stay alive until things improve while Wall St. watches & waits. That lack of clarity has given "the Street" a wild ride of late. However, right now holding out for such clarity seems akin to "waiting for Godot."  In a time when most employees feel lucky to have a job & live in fear of losing it, they look to the leaders of their companies in new & more compelling ways. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd put her finger on the phenomenon when writing about Barack Obama this summer but what she wrote applies to anyone in a leadership position today. About him [& leadership] she said:

"...you can't look like you are 'phoning it in' when the nation is dialing 911..."

'What's Good For Barack Obama Is Good For 'Business USA'

What's true about Obama is true about business CEO's. CNBC's Wall St reporter Maria Bartiromo summed it all perfectly when she said  something I am always telling my clients, which is that in order to drive change, people need to understand your vision [read: see a real plan] about where you want to take them. While everyone is busy complaining about Obama, I am also waiting for those business leaders who appear on the talk show circuit, "to stop phoning it in" as well. There is nothing that will positively impact our financial status more than an effective jobs plan & for that we need the public & private sectors working together. Right now while the public sector is in the process of being pared to the bone, the private sector is simply nowhere to be found. Still dialing....

 

Women, & 'Upspeak:' What Message Do You Want To Send

Effective communication is an essential part of business especially in this very tough job market. However, as a coach, lately I have encountered the same faux pas over & over again; unfortunately as much as it grieves me to admit it, women, including those who are smart, well-educated, & professional are the main culprits. It's a common communication phenomenon called 'upspeak' or the tendency to pose statements while making them sound like questions. For example, instead of saying the sentence, "this is my blog" it's actually said as a question [with major emphasis on the last word] "this is my blo-ooggg??? Basically, it's like turning a flat line upward. When I first heard it back east, a California friend told me "it's the way California high school 'valley girls' used to speak [maybe they still do?]." I guess the saying "as CA goes, so goes the country" is true because I hear it everywhere now except not only in high school students but in grown, professional women.

'Upspeak' Sends Others Negative Messages

What's so horrible about this style of communication? It tells the listener a lot but nothing good. It screams: "don't trust me; I don't have confidence in myself [& constantly need validation from others]; or I am not really sure of myself or what I am saying."  All of those messages are detrimental to a professional & sounds completely ridiculous when it comes out of the mouth of a summa cum laude attorney from an Ivy League school. It also sends the message that the speaker requires constant affirmation from the listener which is oxymoronic if you want to be in any kind of leadership position. As far as I am concerned it is one of the many reasons why there is still a "glass ceiling." Who is going to hire a woman as their CEO if she comes off as so unsure of herself no matter how competent she may really be? It is simply the kind of thing that undermines credibility. Not coincidentally, whether it's by nature or nurture, it is the exact opposite of how professional men sound. Please do not misunderstand. I am not saying that women should act like men. [Thankfully], men & women are different & therefore behave differently but one does not have to act or sound like a man to appear poised & self-assured. What message do you want to send? Do you want to tell people that you are well informed, poised & confident or something less flattering? What's your view?

Line of the Week 8-7-2011

This week's line of the week belongs to veteran journalist Dan Rather. In a panel of journalists commenting on our credit rating downgrade & the debt deal, he noted that the major players really "took a clear stand" because:

"...if you are driving in the middle of the road, all you see are yellow stripes & dead armadillos..."

While I am not fond of the politics involved here, I have to admit that it's an apt & very visual description for fence-sitters of all persuasions who by this accord, accomplish very little.

Yesterday's Jobs Bill: Not The Solution To Today's Unemployment Problem

The fact that we need a jobs bill in this country is by itself, not news. With Washington "on vacation," there's lots of talk but barely a whisper of any kind of solution from today's pols. The one person who has actually outlined a jobs plan is pundit Chris Mathews who used to work as an aide to the late Speaker of the House, Tip O'Neal as well as speechwriter to former president Jimmy Carter. In other words, when it comes to the ways of Washington, he knows the terrain.  His jobs proposal sounds extremely pragmatic which is to go state by state, get a list of the bridges & roads that need fixing & basically challenge the House members to vote against such proposals when not only is it in their own personal interest [to bring jobs to their district] but an outright threat if those infrastructure problems present a credible yet unattended danger. Everyone who hears the Mathews proposal thinks it sounds good...except me.

The Solution Proposed Is Out Of Step With The Times

Don't get me wrong. I applaud Mathews for at least attempting to talk constructively about something that no one else seems to be addressing [including the president]. I simply think the solution he is shopping is out of step with the times. Why? Mathews is proposing this strategy to get people back to work making a good middle class income but recent history shows us that this is no longer how construction & repair jobs are done today. They are first privatized & then outsourced so that you no longer have Americans working these jobs [especially union workers who come with the unwanted "baggage" of healthcare, benefits, & safety concerns] ; additionally the jobs are no longer necessarily done with American material [also an engine for jobs]. Case in point: the San Francisco Bay Bridge has desperately needed to complete the retro-fitting & reconstructing required since it fell apart in an earthquake in 1989...1989!!!! It took the San Francisco & Oakland politicians forever to settle on a design, to put the funds together, & then to hire a company to actually do the construction. As they played politics year after year, the cost for the job kept going up. Therefore while this is essentially a classic example of what Mathews is suggesting, it doesn't exactly play out the way he has proposed even though it sounds promising on its face. Why? The job is being done by a Chinese company, employing Chinese workers & using Chinese steel [do we really need to import cheap Chinese steel when we have high quality Pittsburgh steel; constructing a bridge is not the time to cut corners]. This is just one example of why in today's market, the kinds of jobs that Mathews is suggesting will no longer address the unemployment problem of today.

 

Staying Relevant In Today's Tight Job Market

During the recent debt crisis the one thing I think everyone would agree on is that nothing would help to put us on better financial footing than getting people back to work. However, if you are 40 or older that is a task that sounds easier than it is to do which raises the question how do you stay relevant in today's tight job market when you are a "seasoned" [read: over 40] member of the workforce?" Oft controversial business blogger Penelope Trunk recently addressed this problem & while I frequently find myself at odds with her, in this instance, I agree with her suggestions 100%. She suggests 5 excellent points:

5 Ways To Stay Relevant In Today's Market

• Focus on building your network-it's not what you know but who you know
  
• Move from information "processing" to Information synthesis-information is out there & can be easily gathered; essentially you don't need to know everything; you need to know how to get everything learning to filter what's useful & what's "noise" along the way
  
• Bridge building-connections are everything
  
• Manage your personal brand-what do you stand for; are you promoting your "brand"
  
• Commit to lifelong learning-the world is changing rapidly; you need to keep up

Taking Control

She also cautions those in their 30's that it is important to establish your job credibility in your thirties or it will be extremely difficult if not impossible to get back on the job carousel in your 40's. Why? People hire & want to work with those who have a reputation for doing good work &/or people who are great to work with. One of the reasons for why doing these things is so important that she does not state is that while these points sound like just good common sense, they have the added benefit of enabling you to feel like you are being proactive by doing things to try to control your own destiny instead of being at the mercy of a weak & mercurial economy. While doing these things won't guarantee you a job, not doing them will increase your chances of remaining on the sidelines.