A Consultant's Chronicles

Reprise:You Are A Newly Divorced Co-Parent-Now What

Co-parenting when you are newly divorced makes what is an already difficult job, exponentially harder which is probably why this is such a popular post so I thought I'd run it again.

*****************************

 I was reading a business brief by Dennis Casey about how to build and solidify business relationships when it suddenly occurred to me that his ideas could be translated into a useful framework for [newly] divorced couples who now had to find their way as co-parents under wholly different circumstances. These days, I primarily do business mediation so the small percentage of domestic mediation I’m involved with concerns child custody.

It's 'About Communication Stupid' 

As any parent knows childrearing is a hard job even under optimal circumstances. The task of co-parenting as a divorced couple is therefore exponentially harder. Quite simply there are many other intervening variables that sometimes run counter to the” best interests of the child” such as remaining bitterness and animosity, feelings of betrayal, disputes over money and support, etc. Frankly, this particular list can be long and undistinguished. However, Casey lays out 4 simple principles for business that I have tweaked a bit to fit co-parent applications. I believe these hold promise for creating at least the beginnings of a solid working foundation.

1. Be proactive. Maintain open lines of communication with each other, which includes a willingness to listen even when you fervently disagree. Proactive communication can help prevent frustration between parents with the added bonus of modeling how to manage frustration for your children. Engaging in proactive dialogue is especially important if you have bad news. Just like in the business world, communicating this information as soon as possible reduces the impact to the other parent and provides time to create an appropriate resolution.  When doing so it is exceedingly helpful to either offer a constructive solution or demonstrate a willingness to assist in finding one. Remember, simply "passing the buck” when you are the bearer of bad news is likely to boomerang right back to you at some future date. For example if you are going to be delayed at work when it’s your night to pick up the children, don’t wait to inform the other parent until five minutes before you are supposed to be at school to get them. Not only can this be seen as act of disrespect and hostility [even where none was intended] but practically speaking, it will very likely create a stressful situation for your children [as well as your former spouse] leaving little or no “wiggle room” for the other parent. One possible solution: each parent should be responsible for developing his or her own “plan B” that is supported by the other parent before turning to the co-parent for back-up. Note: If feelings are still too raw to do these negotiations effectively over the phone, consider email. This way documented small pieces of information can be transmitted thoughtfully with the ideal goal of doing so dispassionately. “God created the Blackberry [or iPhone], use it!” This leads to the next principle.
2. Communicate clear rationales and action plans. Keeping parents informed         
   requires disciplined, detailed practices. Life, like business does not always conform
   to pre-planned structure, which makes it essential to continually communicate what has changed and why in addition to the actions being taken to resolve unexpected
   issues that may come up. Keep in mind that whether you are separate or together,
   part of effective parenting means “all oars are rowing in the same direction."
3. Remember that now, like it or not, you are each also building a new life. Therefore divorced spouses are busy with their own plans and commitments in addition to working with each other. If a scheduling change or issue with one of the children arises, they may not be aware of it unless you tell them. Don't assume they are already aware of what’s going on. 
4.  Keep your promises. Be conscious of keeping the promises you make, an act that
   will make it more likely that the other co-parent will keep theirs [or provide you with the moral authority to negotiate that they do so in the future]. Once again, this is critical modeling for your children. Clearly it’s far easier to say than do when passions still run high but carrying it out is in the mutual interest of both sides. One of the key guiding principles in any negotiation is to argue your interests and not your passions! Furthermore, doing something as simple as keeping your promises can go a long way towards re-establishing the kind of trust parents need to have in each other to effectively parent their children. For example, be clear and consistent about standard guidelines for your children’s behavior, supporting each other as a united front at the outset to avoid conflict later. This also addresses a common practice among children especially those with divorced parents, which is to “play off one parent against the other” in the service of their own goals [a particularly favorite strategy among adolescents]

There Is No 'Magic Pill'

The guidelines above are not “written in stone” and will not solve every problem. If I could provide that 'magic bullet,' I’d bottle it & sell it. Using these 4 principles is simply a start towards creating a unique [and hopefully successful] model that works for you.

 

*Oiginally posted: 5/22/2008

Ellen Gunty,MA is the founding owner of Means to an End, a company that provides HR consulting,training, & mediation. Please note: nothing in this post should be viewed as "legal advice"

Is Your Business Ready For Social Media: It's Ready For You

Recently I was working with a very promising, & innovative health- care startup so when asked if they had their social media plan in place & active now that they have gone "live," I was surprised by their answer-not yet. To their credit, they were aware that it was something that they had to do, but it was earmarked as a project for "next year." I told them while they may not be ready for social media; it's ready for them. If people are saying good things about their product, they want them amplified but more importantly, if some unforeseen problem arises, it will give them a chance to join the conversation, fix the problem, & avert the potential effect of a spear through a major organ in the company's young life.

The Mechanics Of Old Media & New Media Are Different

While these folks are aware of social media, they don't quite comprehend its mechanics because they are still applying the kind of thinking attached to "old media." More specifically, in old media [a.k.a. intrusive media] you purchase your platform "or eyes" in the form of TV commercials, magazine ads as well as other traditional outlets [email campaigns, trade shows & the like]. Also you are blasting your ads to everyone instead of surgically targeting your desired demographic-those people most likely to be converted to paying customers. However, in new media, in order to speak to your desired demographic at all, you have to first build & nurture relationships so that you have an audience to speak to when you have something to say. Also, because it's your target audience, you are more likely to convert people to leads & from leads into real customers. While the critical point of needing to engage & build relationships seemed lost on this young company, don't allow it to be lost on you. Even if your business is in its early stages, start reaching out now. How?

Edsel-Style Marketing When You Are Selling A Prius

The easiest way is to demonstrate your expertise in your area by helping others with their problems for free. For example, if your company will be selling widgets for dog training, perhaps you can begin by creating a blog offering dog training tips to new owners or answering dog training questions that appear in the “twitterverse” [once you have begun finding & building relationships with those folks who own dogs]. This is all stuff you can do even before your widgets are in the market. However, once they become available, you now have a starting base of potentially interested customers, which will be growing exponentially as you continue to reach out & dialogue with those dog lovers. The idea is to draw them to you instead of trying to impose yourself on them. Essentially, you don't want to be stuck using a strategy suited for marketing an Edsel when you are trying to sell a Prius.

 

Line of the Week 7-10-2011

This week there were several viable candidates for the line of the week but my personal choice belongs to Ohio Governor John Kasich [formerly Congressman R-OH]. Asked about his opinion of his GOP brethren he was as disgusted as everyone else when it comes to their inability to reach a compromise & make a good deal for the country instead of looking out for their own political interests. He said:

"...Be a leader-you can die a thousand political deaths; in war only once..." 

Once in a lifetime deals have been put on the table & each time, someone has walked away. In the meantime some even insist there really IS no debt crisis. I wonder if they are the same folks who insist that there is no global warming while the rest of us watch the ice caps melt? Apparently, while "Rome burns" our senators & congressmen/women prefer to busy themselves rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic! Think I'm kidding? What is one of their most pressing pieces of legislation right now? Save the old fashioned, power guzzling light bulb! You just cannot make this stuff up! 

 

The New Netflix Policy: Have They Got It Right?

As a business owner I am all for any business' attempt to build new revenue streams. However, this time, in their attempt to do just that, I think Netflix has erred. Today in my email box I received notice that on the heels of a recent price increase, as of Sept 1st, they will be separating their DVD & streaming plans into two different plans & each will be charged the same price-$7.99. If a consumer wants both, the charge will then be 15.98 [representing a 2 cent savings]. These plans are being charged as equal plans when they are not & it's not even close. Why? The product that each offers is by no means equal. In the CD plan, you get most first run movies & everything else in the Netflix library; of course the catch is that you have to wait for the CD to arrive. That is the essential beauty of streaming movies; not only is there no wait but you can view your movie on a number of different modalities: computer, TV, Sling box, tablet & smartphone I will concede that one might argue that they are equal delivery plans. If that's true, "where's the rub?"

Separate BUT Not Equal

The problem however lies in the product that they are delivering. As things currently stand Netflix is not capable of delivering the same movies [to be fair this is not the fault of Netflix but has to do with copyright laws]. The net result is that while on CD you get near first run movies & everything else in the Netflix library, as a streaming only customer, you will get an occasional recent movie but mostly a lot of older, & less popular movies [& TV] desperate for new revenue streams themselves. While both systems can deliver popular TV shows [particularly popular cable TV shows], once again in order to be guaranteed access to all of them in a timely manner, CD delivery is the only realistic option. Another problem is that once there, movies don't always stay in the streaming library; sometimes they revert back to the CD only library.

If It's Not Broke Don't Fix It

If the reality is that Netflix feels the need to charge more for their current service that is one thing. However, they are mistakenly trying to create an illusion of greater options when their new policy is neither neutral or minor but one of subtraction. Unless Netflix is now truly capable of leveling the product playing field when it comes to both delivery systems, separating the two is at least premature & at worst a mistake. The old adage used and applied just about everywhere works well here: "if it's not broke, don't fix it!"

 

The Debt Ceiling Talks: Lessons In Dispute Resolution

Specifics aside, how politicians in this country are conducting themselves in these debt ceiling negotiations is extremely instructive when it comes to lessons in dispute resolution; in fact both sides are doing all they can to highlight just about everything negotiating parties should NOT do. To be clear, this is not a post about the merits of what needs to be done. On that note, neither side resembles a profile in courage which is all I will say.

5 Big No No's When Doing Dispute Resolution

However, when it comes to the brass tacks of how they are going about these talks, especially given the seriousness of the problem, it is absolutely no surprise that we are where we are because they are all doing everything wrong...that is, IF they really want to resolve problem. Given the impending political season, it is arguable that ideally each side has its motivating forces for not coming to an agreement but the consequences of no agreement are far too grave. Be that as it may, what 5 big things can be learned?

1. Everything & I do mean every thing must be "on the table." Saying "we wont talk taxes" or "we wont talk entitlements" is simply a non-starter & a ticket to nowhere fast.
2. In any negotiation, trust is the coin of the realm so do not do your negotiating in the media. No big speeches about the size of a deal or what will be included is ever appropriate. 
3. Manage 'silence.' If you make an offer, sit back & wait for the other side to respond & make a counteroffer of their own. Do not make more offers until they have responded. As the saying goes, "nature abhors a vacuum' but don't you be the one to fill it.
4. Do not negotiate with yourself. If the other side refuses to engage, do your best to keep them at the table talking but make no further offers of your own until they do engage with something substantial.
5. Do not publicly humiliate your opposition & then expect them to come to the table & be constructive. Both sides have done a lot of public name calling & then wonder why they can't have a real conversation about the issues. I mean, seriously?!

These 5 elements are things no party should EVER do when trying to successfully resolve a dispute whether the problem is political, domestic, or corporate in kind. They are all 'deal breakers, not deal makers.'

The Recovery: Is It Harder On Women

After reading an article yesterday about the end of the so-called "mancession," a recession where men were harder hit than women, I was surprised to read that the author concluded that women now stand to lose more ground as men find jobs [to be fair, the author notes that generally speaking jobs are still hard to come by for al]. My surprise didn't stem from her conclusion, I was surprised that this was somehow "news" when the "handwriting" has been on the wall for a while now.

New Jobs Are NOT White-Collar Friendly

As it has already been reported here, the government did not target white-collar jobs when they distributed its stimulus funds. No, those white-collar jobs that have left are not coming back for totally different reasons. Companies have found ways to be productive & make more money with less human capital either through technology or by shipping those jobs overseas where they can pay far lower wages & don't have to worry about "little things" like spiraling healthcare costs. Even once recession-proof jobs like lawyers & doctors are drying up, paying less, or going overseas. Now no job is 'safe." Whenever the subject of job creation comes up, the first thing people talk about is "rebuilding our infrastructure" referring directly & indirectly to so-called "shovel ready" jobs, positions that will be filled largely by men. As a result, while women now surpass men in the number of those who are college educated, their more familiar white-collar jobs are getting slashed both in the private & the public sector [even every college educated person's "backup job" teaching is seeing cuts]. With white-collar jobs getting hit from all sides, of course women will experience a harder time, at least in the near term. That is even before factoring in the societal bias that still exists when it comes to viewing men as the primary "bread earners" which may put them ahead in line for an available position. 

 

Independence Day Break

Taking a long weekend to renew & recharge. I hope you are doing the same. Since this weekend we are celebrating the birth of our country, I thought I'd leave you with a particular stirring picture* of America in all its glory. Kick back, relax, enjoy the fireworks & BBQs abound but please, drink responsibly!

Happy 4th of July!

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'd love to provide you with the credit for this incredible photo but it is simply not known to me